So I'm sitting here, thinking about... well, everything.  Life is completely crazy right now.  But despite what you may believe, you're one of the rocks in my life at the moment.  I feel confident and safe talking to you, sharing with you.  I know there's a lot to think about right now, but I'm glad that we talk about it. 

I'm brought to your questions, and the ones that seem most relevant to me right now are these:

-Why me?
-What does it feel like to hold me in your arms?
-What do you miss the most when I'm not around?
-What do you think/feel about us, honestly, and about me?
-What's 1 thing you'd change or do better?
-What were you thinking/feeling during some of our 'moments'?
-What are your favourite things about me?
-What's one thing I've done to make you happy?
-If you had to change one thing about me, what would it be?
-What's something we've shared that means something to you?

Those are 10 very good questions, some of which I've gone into a bit before.  But here's some answers now.

Why me?

There are so many ways in which I could answer this, and so many different points in it.  But the ones that come to mind are these right now. 

Because you make me feel like I can just be me and that will be enough.  That sounds small, but it’s special to me, because I usually feel like I need to try harder or change myself to get on the right side of people.

Because you inspire me through your character, your beliefs, and your spirit in general.  I’ve never felt able to share my spiritual side very deeply with most friends or in relationships, but it feels natural and good to share it with you, and it lets me explore things more deeply than I have before.

Because I can get lost in conversation with you for hours at a time and when we get to the end it feels like we just started.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed… but I like to talk.  I know, I know, stunning revelation, where did this come from… Sarcasm aside though, conversation, and, in particular, deep conversation, is really important to me.  And from early on in talking to you, I felt at ease doing that, and the hours do just kind of disappear.

Because you inspire confidence in me.  Or at least you force it out of me ;) Seriously though, the more I think of this, the more I’m able to figure out what it means.  Instead of just telling me I’m cool, I’m great (which you do sometimes, and that’s nice to), you actually do pinpoint things that, if I think about it clearly, I am good at, or are good traits in me, and you help me focus and build on those real things.  And that’s huge. 

Because when you smile or laugh, I feel like I just won.  And I have won a couple of times at some things (according to you J), but really all it takes for me to feel like a winner right in that moment is for you to be happy.  And it helps that you get my occasionally bizarre sense of humour…

Because when I look in your eyes, I just see something special.  I don’t know how to add onto that… but it’s something truly wonderful.  And it’s part of the next answer too in a way.

What does it feel like to hold me in your arms?

This answer could fit in with the last question, but since it has its own question, I’ll separate it as such.  Whether or not this sounds clichéd, there’s really not much that compares to this feeling.  You know how I’m fidgety and have a hard time sitting still and kind of move around a lot?  (Your reaction: “What?  No, I’ve never seen that… You must be kidding…”).  For some reason, that goes away when I’m holding you in my arms.  Everything slows down, and I just completely take time to breathe.  My mind takes a break, and that’s a rare thing.  I feel at peace.  I feel safe, even when I’m doing the holding.  You’re extremely rare in being able to get that reaction, in fact I can’t really think of being able to do that at most times in my life.  That’s one thing that still amazes me.  And I may not have told you this before, so maybe it will amaze you too.

What do you miss the most when I'm not around?

This is, of course, especially relevant right now.  And honestly, the simplest way to answer it is to point out the parts of the last two questions that aren’t possible when you’re not here.  Holding you in my arms.  Getting lost in conversation (though we’ve done that once or twice, which is nice).  Making you laugh or smile (it’s fun online, but seeing it is so much more).  Looking into your eyes.  And other things, like just sitting together and talking, holding hands, staying up way way too late talking… The other things in the first answer though, I don’t have to miss, because they’re still you.

What do you think/feel about us, honestly, and about me?
I’ll quickly address about you first.  In essence, I think you’re wonderful.  I think if you put all of those things from the last few questions together, it will hopefully tell you some of what I think about you.  As will another question soon.  So I’ll say more about the other half.

My thoughts and feelings about us are, honestly, very good.  I feel like it’s something special.  But I don’t feel like there’s pressure.  It just feels natural, like it goes with the flow.  I know some days it’s been hard to maybe see it feeling like that, and I know you’ve struggled with things, and I have too.  But when I think about it, when I pray about it (which I have a lot, especially the last couple of days), I realize that there’s a lot about this that sits in a very comfortable place.  I think, or at least I hope, that we have a very good connection, and that anything is possible in the future.  I have confidence that no matter what happens, you’ll be one of the most special people in my life for a long time. 

I continue to pray about it a lot, and I’ve been getting good feelings I think.  You’ve been in my dreams the last few nights, which is interesting.  All kind of strange all over the place dreams, but I know I felt happy whenever you were there.

What's 1 thing you'd change or do better?

Only 1 thing, huh?  I would try to worry less.  I would try to make the confidence that I actually do feel translate into my actions.  Because as you can tell from the last few answers, I do have a good bit of confidence.  And what you said about thinking about things, taking the time to figure it out, it will be ok I think.  If we don’t rush any decisions, I think we’ll come up with the right answers in the end.  I want you to have the time and space you need to figure things out, and to be there for you as much as you need.  I’m doing the same things for myself.  I think time will be the great healer or equalizer.

What were you thinking/feeling during some of our 'moments'?

My answer to the second question fits in here in some ways.  But to add to it, I was feeling loved.  I felt like I was in a really special place with a special person, and everything felt peaceful and good.  I tried to do more feeling than thinking in those times.  I was feeling like we were alone in the world, and that was how it was supposed to be at those times.  And it happened in different times and places.  Whether we were actually all alone at your house, or my house, or in Ottawa, or whether we were surrounded by people and loud music at Edwin, or whether we were just on the phone talking.  There’ve been some really special moments to me already.

What are your favourite things about me?

Here’s where I get to build up your confidence, if I haven’t already J I’ll recopy my previous answer from the notebook that I e-mailed to you a long time ago.

I love your kindness and your good spirit.  I love your strength of character and your desire to be a spiritual and godly person.  I love your smile and your laugh.  I love the sound of your voice and the things that you say to me.  I love holding you in my arms and fallings asleep.  I love kissing you and feeling like I’m melting.  I love your sense of humour and your intelligence.  I love your love of music, and that you appreciate my abilities even when I don’t.  I love that you always try to boost my self-confidence, but that you’re honest with me too.  I love looking into your eyes, and the way you look into mine.  I love how you make me think about God, and want to pray with you, and generally improve myself, and that none of it is through pressure.  I love that you can tell me you love me and let me in, and that I can do the same.  I love how I can forget about anything when it’s just you and me together.  Most of all though, I just love you.

I guess those are a pretty good round-up of my favourite things.  I could add to it, but I think I got a lot of it through that and through my previous questions.

What's one thing I've done to make you happy?

There are too many more than just one.  But one of the most important things, to me, is that you’ve talked to me no matter what’s going on.  On that Wednesday, even when you felt like running, you did stay and talk, and talked things through with me.  The other day, when you were feeling like things were shaky, like you weren’t sure, you talked to me, and then stayed longer when I needed to talk more.  Of all the things you’ve done, and there are so many, it means the world to me that you’ll give me time when things are in a state of confusion or worry.  It’s easy sometimes for some people to just duck and run, but you’ve been up front about your worries, and I hope that that will end up helping things.

If you had to change one thing about me, what would it be?

As I said to you before, I would make you more confident, like you tell me to be.  I know in general, about yourself, you are pretty confident, and that actually is one of my favourite things about you (I could go back and add it, but it’s here now).  I love that you know a lot of good things about yourself.  But when it comes to us, that’s where I would add to your confidence.  You keep telling me that you’re worried about hurting me, that you’re not giving me as much as you should, stuff like that.  And it’s not that way.  You treat me wonderfully, and I think, whether you maybe mean to or not, you open yourself up more to me than you think you do.  If I felt like I was getting treated badly, I would make it known.  And I really don’t feel that way, nor have I ever since you’ve been around.

What's something we've shared that means something to you?

See everything in the preceding answers pretty much.  Everything we’ve shared has meant a lot to me.  It’s really been beautiful to me that we’ve been able to share the spiritual, Christian stuff together, that I can talk to you about it, that we can share that.  I really did love seeing your face light up that day at your house after church.  And praying for you before you left was special and really different for me, and I really appreciated that you prayed for me over the phone the other day. 

Everything has been special and meaningful to me, even the small things.  Whether it’s eating foods from different countries every time we go out, watching movies and watching House together, just talking talking talking, playing music together, falling asleep together (oops…), going to Edwin together…
 

 
I felt compelled to write all of this.  And I decided to post it here, because maybe you’ll see it right away, or maybe you’ll stumble on it at a good time to read it.  And also, if hotmail is down again, that would be a pain in the behind. 

Just please know that no matter what, I promise that I’ll be there for you.  You mean the world to me, and as I pray about us, I feel peace about things, just as you prayed for.  I think with time, the right path will work itself out, however that’s meant to be.  And I’m glad that you’re willing to give this a chance, even though I know things are hard at times.  They’re hard for me too, and I’m glad we can share that.  If you get a chance, listen to the second song I wrote for you again.  I think the lyrics fit a lot, again.

With love and prayers,

Greg

We hid from May showers
We talked for hours
The time in the world
Was all we had then to share

A love story was told
Broken ring song of old
Where 2 lovers must part
With each a half to safeguard

I’m learnin how to
I’m learnin how to
I’m learnin how to
fall in love with you again

Many years fall past
War over at last
The soldier comes home
But he’s not known, anymore

 She sees but a stranger
Standing before her
She just cannot see
The man in her memory

Chorus

In his open hand
Half a metal band
Tarnished and old
But underneath made of gold

As her eyes lay there
Her hands go to where
Inside of a clock
A piece of the past is locked

She places in his palm
Forgotten for so long
Her half of the ring
She feels her heart opening